To Challange Jin

To challange Jin's bashing of engineers and physicists.

Here are some attorney jokes.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ ____________ _____
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTOR NEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None .
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________ _______________ _________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Managed to make me smile lah =)

Some Random (Physics) Jokes

Well, this is my maiden post. Let's hope Pn Sim does not see this =)

How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a second year subject.

How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?"

Will this question be in the final examination?"

How many civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.

How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?"

Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway."

How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all this equipment.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

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You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

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There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, 'I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.'

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Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

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You might be an engineer if...

... you have no life and can prove it mathematically

... you enjoy pain

... you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division =)

... you chuckle whenever anyone says 'centrifugal force'

... you've actually ever used every single function on your graphing calculator =)

... when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major

... you always do homework on Friday nights

... you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water =)

... you think in 'math'.. . . you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges

... you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function

... you have a pet named after a scientist

... you laugh at jokes about mathematicians

... the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger's Cat Experiment =)

... you can translate English into Binary =)

... you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe

... when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe =)

... the 'fun' center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use

... you'll assume that a 'horse' is a 'sphere' in order to make the math easier =)

... you understood more than five of these indicators

... you know the glass is neither half full nor half empty; it's simply twice as big as it needs to be =)

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Several professors were asked to solve the following problem: "Prove that all odd integers are prime."

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a prime - counter-example - claim is false.

Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime ... =)

Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime ...

Computer Scientist: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime ... segmentation fault

Copied bulat-bulatly from http://www.recom.org/forum/showthread.php?t=5503

Present for Miss Lum?

As you all know, shes retiring quite soon.

Any ideas for any gifts for her?

Please post your ideas on the comments =)

s5ians, on sat, we are going to mv again...i know..
but this time is to celebrate one's birthday...you know who....
So hopefully most of you can come....
:)

Just some quote...

人在福中不知福， 那人在苦中呢？
人在苦中－－不知苦， 主要原因是因为没有比较！

迷了路后就会记得路。
人生路程也一样。

人类就有一个弱点， 就是应该相信的事， 不容易相信；
对于不值得相信的事情， 却坚信不疑。

把旧衣服丢进回收站，
好像是为奢侈找一个美丽的理由。

不要惊讶： 断奶的孩子
终有一天用手推开母亲的奶。

聆听， 是用你的耳朵去说服别人。

Just some random quotes....
Wanna share with you guys...
Take Care Ya everyone

Friendship..........Unbreakable

Took my hands, touched my heart
Held me close, you all always there
By my side, night and day
Through it all, baby come what may
Swept away on a wave of emotion
Oh we’re caught in the eye of the storm
And whenever I dream I can hardly believe you’re my friend
Believe you're my friend

This love is unbreakable
It’s unmistakable
And each time I look at your smile
I know why
This love is untouchable
A feeling my heart just can’t deny
Each time I dream about you, oh S5
I know why
This love is unbreakable

Share the laughter, share the tears
We all know we’ll go on from here
Cos together, we are strong
In my heart, that’s where you belong
I’ve been touched by the hands of an angel
I’ve been blessed by the power of love
And whenever you smile, I can hardly believe you're my friend

This love is unbreakable
It’s unmistakable
Each time we sing together
I know why
This love is untouchable
A feeling my heart just can’t deny
Each time I thought about You, oh S5
I know why

This love is unbreakable
Through fire and flame
When all this is over
Our love still remains

This love is unbreakable
It’s unmistakable
Each time we bowl together
I know why
This love is untouchable
A feeling my heart just can’t deny
Each time we laugh together, oh S5
I know why
Cos each time we skate together, oh S5
I know why,
This love is unbreakable



* A random post made by a first timer ^^ Enjoy ^^

One-line Questionnaire

"Do you like being a part of 5S5?"

Philosopher: What is the meaning of "like"?
Microbiologist: That is precisely accurate.
Pharmacist: A minute with S5 a day keeps the doctor away.
Chemist: This chemical reaction can be explained using the collision theory...
Physicist: You mean a chain reaction, getting more explosive every time.
Archaeologist: This bond has not shown any sign of decay over time.
Architect: A structure that withstands time, weather and seismic waves.
Pilot: We are moving in the direction of eternity.
Literature expert: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Teacher: Yes-lah! So easy also you don't know how to answer.
Storekeeper: The liking is still here. My stock turnover isn't high.
Tailor: Different pieces sewn together to form a magnificient quilt.
Butcher: It must be in the bones. The most difficult to chop off.
Baker: Once the ingredients are blended, you can't separate them anymore.
Candlestick maker: They light up my life.
Director: You'll need to induce strong emotions to express that.
Actor: Oh, certainly so! It is my every breath, my whole world, my everything!
Model: Everyone of us are in the perfect position to say so.
Musician: We're perfectly harmonised.
Singer: Just like the way mice love rice.
Artist: Too abstract for words.
Technician: Somehow when we come together, a great spark is ignited.
Plumber: The connections are tightly secured.
Engineer: The foundation is stable enough to support us from falling apart.
Fireman: ICAN'TEXTINGUISHTHEFIERYRELATIONSHIPS!
Social worker: Do you know how many percent of people in the world yearn for a class like that?
Economist: There's an inflation here. The value of friendship keeps going up.
Police officer: But they never offer me coffee!
Politician: Will you vote for me if I said no? Okay, then yes.
Doctor: I hate to admit. I shouldn't have gone to the same class, same school.
Member of parliament: You tak suka, you keluar dari Malaysia.
Prime minister: Point made and point taken.
Ex-Prime Minister: I don't remember.
Business tycoon: Looks like it and sounds like it.
Lawyer: Correct correct correct.
Chief Justice: I don't LIKE it, I just LOVE it.
Phone operator: My answer, is, yes. To express agreement, press 1. To express disagreement, press 2. After you have pressed 2, you can only make calls to 122 and receive incoming calls for 90 days before your service is cancelled.

We can become anything in 30 years time.
But some things never change.

From Wen Zhen, vigorously pressing on her phone keypad an infinite number of 111111111111111111111111111s.